


The stranger who loved me.

by Septic84



Series: PFF Bingo 2019 [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Brian injury, Hospital, M/M, TATINOF, Temporary Amnesia, tabinof, vday video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 11:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21074231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: “Well, that’s nice I guess,” he paused, “but I have no idea who you are.”“Haha, very funny,”“I wasn’t being funny,”“What?” I swallowed hard, “You don’t know who I am?”“No, am I supposed to?”





	The stranger who loved me.

Writing a book about our lives as Dan and Phil the YouTubers was surreal. I wasn’t sure how we pulled that off let alone the tour we were about to start. The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire sparked The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire and we were about to go on stage to perform our first show. Everything was going smoothly until it wasn’t. I saw Phil stumble, try to regain composure, then fall off of the stage. 

“Oh shit,” my voice echoed over the microphone, I reached down to switch it off, waiting to see Phil come back up the stairs. When he didn’t, I hurried down to him. 

“Phil, are you okay?” I said approaching him. The crowd was whispering and talking hushed. Phil didn’t respond. “Phil?” When I looked down at him, he laid still, there was a pool of blood under his head. “Oh my God!” By this time our security team had already started to section off the area as the medical staff was making their way towards us. I leaned down and switched off Phil’s mic. “Hey, hang in there okay? Help is coming.” He didn’t move. An announcement was made to the theater that there was an emergency and for everyone to stay seated. I heard people crying in the audience, I couldn’t blame them, I was almost in tears myself. I knew when Phil was well again, he would feel really bad about making so many people so upset due to his clumsiness. He had finally managed to hurt himself badly due to his constant tripping over his own feet. 

When we got to hospital, a member of the security team was allowed to go with him and wait outside the door, I, however, was asked to stay in the waiting room. Nervously my knee bounced up and down as I wrung my hands and stared at my feet, I really wanted to be with Phil. Not knowing what was going on was killing me. It seemed like days had passed when A doctor came out to give us information. 

“Philip Lester?” I stood up and walked to the doctor. 

“Relation?” 

“He’s my,” I paused, “Best friend and flatmate. We were in the middle of our stage show when he fell.” 

He nodded, “Okay, come with me.” The doctor started to rattle off information too quickly for me to keep up. Several medical terms later I had sussed out that he had broken his nose, had swelling on his brain and was in a coma. “He is stable right now; we have a specialist coming in the morning to review his charts,” 

“Okay,” I said as we entered the room. Phil was hooked up to several machines and an IV. His head was wrapped in gauze, his eyes were both black from bruising. 

“I’ll leave you for now,” The doctor gave a sympathetic smile and left. 

I sat next to his bed, “Oh Phil,” I choked. I could hear the beeping of the monitors and machinery as I laid my head down on the bed, not able to contain it anymore, tears slid down my face. I was so scared, Phil looked too fragile and helpless. What was worse is I knew I couldn’t do anything for him. Not at all. 

I must have dozed off as I was startled awake by a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Martyn smiling down at me, sadly. “Hi,” 

“Hey. I would have let you sleep, but they say the specialist should be here soon,” 

I nodded, “How long have you been here?” 

He shrugged, “Few hours,” 

“I can’t believe he is laying here literally because he fell off of the stage. “ 

Martyn chuckled humorlessly, “Leave it to Phil,” 

“The swelling is already going down,” the specialist said after she had his head scanned again. “He should wake up in the next few days, granted he keeps making progress like this.” She looked at Martyn, then me, “It’s good news, boys.” She smiled, nodded and walked out. 

Three days later Phil woke up. I was making my way back to him from the bathroom when I heard him groan in pain and saw his eyes flutter open. 

“Hi there, Phily,” I said softly. He turned and looked at me, his face held the look of utter confusion, I laughed. “You fell off the stage, you absolute mess.” 

“I was on a stage?” 

“TATINOF?” 

“What?” 

I shook my head, “It’s okay Phil, take your time. I will properly drag you and we can talk about all that when you are feeling better,” I smiled at him. 

“Well, that’s nice I guess,” he paused, “but I have no idea who you are.” 

“Haha, very funny,” 

“I wasn’t being funny,” 

“What?” I swallowed hard, “You don’t know who I am?” 

“No, am I supposed to?” 

I felt as though I was about to faint, “Yes!” I squeaked. 

“Mr. Lester, I see you are awake,” the nurse walked into the room. “How are you feeling?” 

“Sore, my head, and face really hurt,” 

“I’m sure,” 

“He can’t remember!” I blurted out, panicking. 

“Oh," she said, "what’s the last thing you remember?” 

“Being at uni.” I audibly gasped. 

“Let me go get the doctor,” she smiled as she left. 

Luckily, Martyn came in at the same time. 

“Martyn? Oh my god, I’m glad you’re here!” Phil’s face relaxed, but he was side-eyeing me. 

He laughed, “Why are you looking at Dan like that?” 

“He doesn’t remember who I am,” I said, sadly. 

Martyn’s face fell, “What? How is that possible?” 

“How am I supposed to know? I have no idea what's even happening,” Phil said. 

“Sorry,” I muttered. The doctor came in and examined him, she ordered a series of brain scans to try to figure out Phil’s memory loss. 

“Phil, do you know what year it is?” she asked. 

“Well, no, but judging by how old Martyn looks I am assuming I am not in Uni anymore.” 

“Hey!” Martyn said. 

“You don’t remember why you’re here?” 

“No, I don’t even know where “here” is. 

“And you don’t remember Dan, at all?” 

“No,” 

This was a nightmare, I stepped out of the room and sat on a bench in the hall. I wasn’t sure what to do. After a few minutes the doctor came out, “He could remember everything eventually,” She clasped my shoulder. “Don’t give up.” I nodded. 

I overheard Martyn talking to Phil, “Dan. As in Danisnotonfire.” 

“I have no idea what that means?” 

“YouTube?” 

“Martyn, the last YouTube video I remember making is after I returned from Busch Gardens in America,” 

“Oh my god, when was that? So that means you don’t remember him like, at all?” 

“I take it Dan is important?” 

“Ah, yeah. He’s become like family to us.” 

“Us us, or like you and our parents?” 

“Phil, Dan is your flatmate,” 

“Oh,” 

“And your best friend.” 

“Oh,” 

“At least that’s what you tell people.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

I knocked on the door, “Excuse the interruption, I just thought I’d let you know I am going to get a hotel room,” I doubted Phil wanted me to sleep by his bedside anymore. “I’ll see you, I guess.” 

“Dan,” Martyn started, I waved him off 

“I’m really glad you are awake Phil,” I smiled, nodded and walked out. He had no idea who I was, the video he was referencing was before he even tweeted at me. I was a stranger to him. He didn’t know about the legacy we had built with YouTube, BBC radio 1, TABINOF or TATINOF. What the hell was I going to tell the internet? A member of our security team took me to a hotel, they had agreed to stay around until Phil was released, just for precautionary measures. I had a set of Phil’s contacts in their pot in my pocket, his phone and I knew that his pillow and things from the dressing room were in the car. 

“Ready?” 

“Yeah,” 

Once I was checked in, I kicked off my shoes, took off my skinny jeans I had been squeezed into for days now, leaving me in my pants. My shirt came off next, grabbing Phil’s pillow I crawled into the bed. I inhaled Phil’s scent and fell asleep, crying into it. 

I woke up to my phone ringing. It had only been two hours, it was Martyn. 

“Hello?” 

“What hotel are you at?” 

“Why?” 

“Because I am coming over.” 

I groaned getting up to open the door when he had arrived. 

“You didn’t have to leave, Dan.” 

“He has no idea who I am, why would he want me there? If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want me there.” He said nothing, “See, exactly.” 

“What are you going to do about the tour?” 

“I have already emailed everyone to cancel it.” 

“You decided this on your own?” 

“Well, it isn’t like Phil cares, is it?” 

“He would if he knew.” 

“I know that but he doesn't, he can’t remember me, let alone our stage show.” I flopped down on the bed. “As far as the rest of it goes, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” 

“I’m not sure,” 

“Same. Do I pretend to be Phil? Tweet that he was hurt, but keep it vague? Do I tweet as me? Do we just ignore it? I know Phil wouldn’t want us to ignore it, at least not the one who knows and loves his fans, but,” 

“Dan, it doesn’t have to be figured out right now, you know that, right?” 

“I suppose you’re right.” 

“I want to ask how you are, but I’m sure I know. You overheard us.” 

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “I, just. He’s my best friend, he’s my only friend. He doesn’t know who I am.” 

“Still sticking with the “friend” label, huh?” 

I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. “He is also my business partner,” 

“I suppose you could let your manager and team handle it, but you would know what Phil would want, better than anyone. I won’t pressure you, but it has to be addressed.” 

“I know,” I looked up at him, “What if he never remembers me, Martyn?” 

“We can’t think like that,” 

“I can and I am. Look, I get it, but you will always have a place in his life. He knows who you are. What’s going to happen when they release him? Is he coming back to our flat? Will he go to yours? Your mums? Why would he want to live with me?” 

“Deep breaths,” 

“How did this happen? How is this fair, to anyone? This is like a terrible movie of the week.” 

“He hasn’t said much after I told him who you are, he just keeps repeating the same timeline he referenced before. In Uni.” 

“Our story doesn’t exist, Youtube Dan and Phil don’t exist.” 

“Not right now, they don’t. He has another brain scan tomorrow, they will be determining a treatment course, if he can go home or leave, I guess.” 

“Where are you staying tonight?” 

“I think I’ll stay at the hospital. The idea of him being alone really bothers me.” I felt the guilt stabbing in my gut. “I’m heading back then, so I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“You think I should come back?” 

“Of course, you should Dan. Scans at 10:00.” 

“Okay,” 

“Try to stay positive, yeah? See you in the morning.” 

“Sure, see you.” 

Even though I was exhausted, I wasn’t able to sleep. I was so damned scared that my life was over. I was nothing without Phil, everyone knew that, and I was not the exception. If Phil didn’t remember me ever again, I had no idea what I was going to do. I tried to resist a trip down memory lane, but that only lasted so long. As I panicked, I loaded a PINOF playlist, set an alarm and closed my eyes, listening to us laugh. 

My alarm went off and I pulled myself out of bed as the memories flooded through my mind. I showered, drank the disgusting hotel room coffee and brushed my teeth before I left for the hospital. I had no idea if Phil would even want me there, but I still went. I knocked on the frame of the door. 

“Hey, Dan,” Martyn greeted. 

“Hi,” I said, meeting Phil’s gaze. 

“Your hair is really curly today,” He said. 

I blushed; I had forgotten to straighten it, “Ah, yeah,” 

“Come sit, Dan.” Martyn motioned to the chair. 

I sat, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable that I was constantly shifting in the silence. 

“Well, this sucks,” Phil said casually, smiling. I laughed. “Is this as weird for you as it is for me?” 

“I can’t be sure, but it’s pretty fucking weird.” 

“Yeah, apparently we have known each other for years.” 

“Oh Phil,” We were interrupted by his mum, she had finally made it here. I wondered when she would arrive. 

“Hi, mum, this is Dan,” 

“Silly boy, I know who Dan is,” she turned to me and kissed the top of my head. “Hello, darling. How are you holding up?” 

“Fine,” I whispered. One of her fingers twisted in one of my curls as if to make a point, though she didn’t say anything else. 

“The doc will be here in a while to take him for another scan, we will know more then.” 

“He doesn’t remember Dan at all?” 

“He doesn’t remember a lot of things, not just me,” I said softly. 

“Oh, Dan,” She murmured 

“You know, I am right here; I was the one who got hurt, like actually. He didn't.” 

“If you remembered you wouldn’t be taking that tone with me, mister.” 

“Well, I don’t okay? It’s not like anyone is telling me much anyway.” 

“We don’t want to make it worse, Phil.” Martyn said, “The doctors haven't told us what we should and shouldn’t do yet.” 

The doctor came in before anyone else could say anything, “Ready for your scan?” Phil looked scared so without thinking I took his hand in mine. He jumped and I released it. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. I got up and walked out of the room so they could take him to his scan. I watched in the hall as they wheeled him away for his procedure. Kath was suddenly pulling me into a hug. 

“Hey there, my strong lad,” she soothed “You’re okay.” I clung to her; I needed this comfort. 

“I just don’t understand how he doesn’t remember. What am I supposed to do? I mean he’s my best friend.” 

“Oh, we are still going with that are we?” Kath huffed. I pulled back and looked into her eyes, blushing. “He’s also your business partner,” She grabbed his shoulders, “Have you decided what you are going to do?” 

“I canceled the tour, other than that, I’m not sure what to do. Phil doesn’t remember anything since 2008,” I took a deep breath, “That means YouTube, BBC, the gaming channel, the book or the tour.” 

“Let’s see what the doctor says, we can work on it from there.” 

“I suppose you could call me; I doubt he wants me here.” 

“Well, I want you here. And I am hungry, let’s take Martyn and get some lunch, shall we?” 

“This is really a family matter, isn’t it?” 

“Daniel, you are family and you know it. Stop it. Come.” 

The doctor explained that Phil’s brain was healing, but the amnesia was an unfortunate side effect. It was diagnosed as selective amnesia, which I thought was a stupid name, but as Phil remembered his mum, his brother, and his childhood, this seemed to be the best fit. The doctor couldn’t give us a time frame or confirmation that the last 7 years of his life would even return to him. He was to rest, but also try to trigger his memories slowly. They warned not to do too much too fast, but “they” remained hopeful that this would work. I wasn’t so sure. They advised me to put things away that would cause him to ask too many questions, and slowly reintroduce them. 

“We will be able to release you tomorrow,” she said, leaving the room. 

I took a deep breath, chewing on my lip. 

“Well," Kath said, “We’ll get you back to London, back to your things and your bed.” 

“I live in London?” 

“Yes, you do.” 

“You live with me," I said softly. 

“Oh,” 

“You’ve lived with Dan for several years,” Kath said, patting his shoulder. “If we want your memory to return, that is the best place for you.” 

Phil looked scared, I hated that. “Phil, you can stay with your mum or Martyn for a while, if it would make you more comfortable,” relief crossed his face. 

“Nonsense, all of his memories are in and at your flat.“ 

“Mum,” Phil said. 

“This is what’s best for you, Philip. You need to go back to London.” 

“Look how scared he is,” I squeaked, “How could it be best for him?” 

Returning to my hotel room, I sighed. Kath was not going to acquiesce my offer for Phil to stay with one of them for a while. Tomorrow afternoon Phil and I would be back in our flat, alone. He had no idea who I was other than what people had told him. I was headed back to our apartment shortly, to put away anything that was us. I would put it all in the gaming room, I would have to buy and install a lock to keep him out. It was overwhelming, as I packed up my things, (and Phil’s) I forced myself not to cry. It was not the time. It was shortly after three am and I had finally gotten the flat cleaned up to an acceptable level. Martyn and Kath would be dropping Phil off in the morning, I made sure his coffee mug and coffee were set out for him. The photos of us that were kept on the wall we never showed on any platform, all of our awards, plaques, and art that hinted to who we were, was now all locked away. Anything at all that made us, us. I looked around at how empty the flat was, it mirrored how I felt. Making sure the gaming room was securely locked, I hid the key in my room, which also was now bare. I was in my pants, laying numbly on my bed. This was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done; I wasn’t sure I was strong enough. It wasn’t like I had a choice. 

I woke up to keys in the lock, Phil’s voice then Kath’s. “Wow, this is a nice flat.”  
“Yes, you and Dan have a nice place here,” 

I pulled some clothes on and walked out to greet them, yawning. 

“Sorry,” I muttered. 

“It’s okay, Dan,” Martyn said. 

“I’ll show you to your room,” I said, forcing the kindest smile I could muster. 

“Right, thanks.” What he didn’t know is his room was actually our room, it had been for years now. I swallowed hard. 

“Here we are,” 

“Okay, thanks.” He walked in, looking around. “At least this looks the same,” He said, motioning to his duvet. I laughed softly. I missed him so much, I just wanted to hug him. After explaining to him where everything was, I excused myself. 

“I’ll let you get settled, then.” I went back to the lounge. 

“You can do this, Dan.” Kath pulled me into another hug. 

“Can I?” 

“Of course,” she lowered her voice “When you love someone, you would be surprised what you can do.” 

I didn’t even refute it, I just pulled back and nodded. 

“We’re off now, I will be staying in London for a time, just to make sure he gets settled.” she turned towards his room “Phil, we’re leaving.” 

Phil came out and hugged his mum. “I know you’re scared, it’s okay. I promise you; you are safe here. I wouldn’t leave if that were not the case.” He hugged Martyn next. 

“Dan really cares about you Phil, you’re fine.” He reassured. 

“Bye,” He said, his voice was timid and it made my heart clench. 

After they had left, we stood awkwardly. “Ah, I have things out for you to make your coffee if you’d like.” I motioned to the kitchen 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“If you need me, I’ll be in my room, which is the one just down the hall from yours.” 

“Thanks,” 

I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to be doing, I just wanted to be around him. I knew he must be feeling really strange too. For the most part, he spent the day in his room, I hoped he had been resting, but I couldn’t be sure. After the pizzas I had ordered arrived, I knocked on his door. 

“Ah, yeah?” 

“I ordered us Pizza, I’m hungry, I figured you would be too.” 

He opened the door, “Yeah, I am, thanks.” 

“Did you want to eat with me or?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

We were set up in the lounge, I wasn’t sure what we should watch, what would be too much or too confusing, so I put Buffy on. He smiled. 

“I love Buffy.” 

I smiled at him, “I know,” I remained quiet for most of it until Phil had sauce dripping off of his chin and I absent-mindedly grabbed a napkin and wiped it off. His face was still black and blue, I sucked in a breath. Then I caught his eyes, they were wide and uncomfortable. 

“Oh, god. I’m sorry.” I said quickly snatching my hand back. 

“It’s okay,” He said. “I take it we are close, but I just don’t know that.” 

“I know, I know.” I looked down 

“Your hair is cute curly, you know.” He said, eyes still on the screen. 

“Ugh, I hate it. I look like a hobbit.” 

He laughed out loud. “I see why we are friends, you’re funny.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

“So,” He turned towards me, “We have lived together for years?” 

“Yes,” 

“How did we meet?” 

Was I supposed to tell him this soon? “Um,” 

“I mean, I don’t know do I?” 

“I’m worried to push you,” 

“Well, the whole reason I am here is so that I can remember you, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, yeah it is. We met because of your Youtube channel.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really.” 

“Wow, that’s so cool.” He smirked. 

“Yeah, I Tweeted at you, a lot. I liked Muse, you liked Muse. 

“Do you watch my videos?” 

“Yes,” I smiled, “and then we met.” 

“Wow, when was that?” 

“2009.” 

He gasped, “Sorry, I keep forgetting it’s 2015.” 

“I’m sure this is hard for you.” 

“Yeah, I guess I graduated huh?” 

“You did,” 

“Good.” He yawned, “When am I allowed to go on the internet again?” 

“Oh,” I took a deep breath, “Let’s just give that some time. There is so much shit, now Phil. I want you to be feeling better before you open that Pandora’s box.” 

“Is it that bad?” He said softly, 

“Some parts are, most are not. Are you tired?” 

“Yeah, I suppose I am.” 

“Okay, time for bed then,” 

“Dan?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I know this must be hard for you too,” 

“I’m okay, Phily, don’t worry about me.” 

“Phily?” 

“Yeah, ah, sorry.” I blushed. 

“Well, goodnight then,” 

“Goodnight.” 

In the coming days, Phil had asked a few common questions, but nothing too in-depth. I was struggling and found myself face down in the hallway. I literally did this all the time but Phil, of course, didn't know.  
“Oh!” He just happened upon me having a lie down on the floor, “Are you alright? Should I call someone?" 

I scoffed. "I'm fine this is a thing I do." 

"Why?" 

" That's the million-dollar question.” 

"Should I do something?" 

"Nope." 

"Okay then." Phil had discovered my existential crisis hallway, he probably thought I was insane. I took a deep breath and continued my spiral. 

“Dan?” 

“Ugh,” I groaned. 

“I don't mean to pry, but you've been laying on the floor for 3 hours, at least since the last time we spoke.” He crouched next to me, “I feel like I should do something,” 

I smirked, “Yeah this is how you were when it first started too.” 

“Well, that makes sense, since we're friends, right?” 

“Yeah, right.” We stayed in silence for a while, he eventually sat leaning his back against the wall, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

“You may not remember, “I chuckled, “but you sure act like the Phil I know.” 

“Does this happen a lot?” 

“More than it should, I suppose.” I sat up, “thanks for sitting with me.” 

He smiled, “I want you to tell me more about our life, I want to remember you.” 

“I'm not sure I can right now,” 

“Why does it seem like there's something really bad that's happened?” 

“There is a lot of things Phil, a lot.” 

“Why won't you just tell me, why is there a locked room upstairs?” 

“Because,” I stood up to leave, “I want you to remember and not just learn about it. I doubt you'd forgive me a second time.” I walked into my room and shut the door, but he followed me. I heard through the door “We're friends, of course, I will!” 

But we weren't just friends and that was the problem. Did I have it in me to show him that video? The one that everyone now refers to as the” v-day video.” I was so mad when it posted, he was so embarrassed. There was so much backlash from that alone, but there was more. What about the “I like vagina” posts, or all the “no, I'm not gay” posts? Then there was the whole "no homo Howell 2012," that whole year was a cluster fuck. 

“Well can you at least show me what shops I go to? I need toothpaste.” 

I open the door and stepped out, “Yeah okay, we typically just order from Tesco. We don't go outside much, I mean we were going to, but then you fell.” I ordered a car. 

“Oh, sorry.” 

I smiled. “It's okay Phil, you didn't intend on this happening.” 

“You said I fell off the stage, why was I on a stage?” 

“Ah, don't you need toothpaste? Let's go.” 

“You can't put me off forever, you know, that right?” 

“I know,” I noticed he was in a t-shirt, “I have your coat in my room, hang on, “ 

He cocked his eyebrow when I returned. “We share clothes?” 

I handed it to him. “Yeah, sometimes We do.” I guided him towards the door we got to the car 

“Wow, I can't believe I live in London. That's truly mental, why did we move here?” 

“For work mostly, we lived in Manchester before.” 

"We did?” 

“Yes, we did. I went to Uni there for a while. I know what you're doing, by the way.” I was so tired of not talking to Phil, of feeling so alone, that I answered his questions. I got lost in thought and my leg was pressed into his. I realize the comfort it brought me, it seemed to do the same for Phil. 

“We're really touchy-feely friends, aren't we?” 

I blushed and laughed, “We are. Does it bother you?” 

“No, not really.” 

“Okay, good.” 

We had made it through Tesco fairly easily, thankfully not running into anyone we knew or any of our followers. We were at the checkout and Phil looked exhausted, his face looked sickly as the dark purple bruises were now fading into browns and yellows. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Starting to get a headache,” 

“We're almost done.” He seemed unsteady; I looked around and seeing no one was looking, I looped my arm around his waist. “Lean into me.” 

He snorted, “You clearly don't want to be touching me in public.” 

“You don't understand,” 

“Of course, I don't.” He pushed my arm away. We didn't speak the entire way home; I wasn’t sure what to say. When we got home, I started to put groceries away in silence, I glanced at him. He looked miserable. 

“You should go lay down, I don't want you to get a migraine, you have that look on your face.” 

He sighed. “It's so frustrating that you know so much about me and I can't remember anything about you.” 

“I'm sorry, Phil,” He shook his head and walked away. There wasn’t much I could do to help that. I missed him so much, the him that would allow me to be close to him at the right times, the one who understood why we needed to be careful of who saw us in public. I missed Dan and Phil, both professionally and personally. I missed my old life. 

I knew It was risky, but I snuck up to the gaming room. I needed to feel connected to my Phil to be able to help this Phil. I looked through our photos, our book, and his Twitter. I even watched the “V-day” video. I needed to hear him say I love you. I haven't watched it since the accidental uploading, it was too painful. But, now in the dark, with all things Dan and Phil surrounding me, I was glad I had it. I watched it twice wiping my eyes, I took a deep breath; it was time to pull myself together. Standing up, I looked around the room one last time, turned out the lights then shut and locked the door. I met Phil at the bottom of the stairs. 

“Hey, are you feeling better?” 

“I guess so, I'm so bored." His eyes drifted up the stairs, “Are you okay?” 

I smiled at him, “Yes. We can play Sonic?” 

He looked at me suspiciously, but said, “Yeah, okay, thanks.” Some time into the game, we were laughing and had made our way closer to each other on the sofa, our legs touched like they always did. When it was my turn, I noticed he was watching my face more than the game, I smirked. 

“You know I can see you staring at me, yeah?” 

“Ah,” he stammered, “sorry.” 

“Do I have something on my face?” 

“No, it's just,” 

“Just what?” 

“Nothing, never mind,” I pause the game setting the controller down. 

“What?” 

“It feels like we are or have been more than friends in the past,” 

I swallowed hard, “what?” 

“Oh,” he said, “I guess that means I’m not crazy?" I nodded in silence. “Why does everyone think we're just best friends then?” 

“It's complicated,” 

“My family even calls us best friends, why are we “best friends” if we are or were more?” 

I sighed, “More than one reason, mostly because of me.” 

Phil took a deep breath, “Are you embarrassed of me?” He looked down at his hands 

“No, no not at all Phil. It's nothing like that. Why would you think that?” 

“Well, look at you, then look at me.” 

“It has nothing to do with that, Phil. And that’s ridiculous.” 

“Wait, you’re not out yet, are you?” 

“No” I whispered “I’m not even sure what I am,” 

“When did we start being more than friends?” 

“2009.” 

He looked back up to my face. “Are we still more than friends now?” 

“We were, before, the accident I mean. We didn't label anything and we didn't tell anyone. Something, well several things actually, happened. Things were really bad for a while, it almost destroyed us. Since then we are more than friends in private, but not in public.” 

“So, we didn't tell anyone, meaning I had to be closeted again?” I tightly pursed my lips. “Wow, I was so ashamed of myself. I mean I struggled from 12-18 to come out,” 

My eyes became glossy. “I know, you're the first “out” person I’d met.” 

Phil looked around the flat, “you've hidden anything that may have hinted that we were together, haven't you?” 

“Yeah, I wasn't sure what to do. The doctors said it would be best.” 

“That’s what’s in the locked room?” 

“Yes, it is also our office.” 

“We work together, I know that, what do we do?” 

“Phil, now that you know, about us I mean,” I paused. “I think it’s time to know the rest,” I got up and got my laptop. Maybe this was too much too fast, but I couldn't dodge the questions any longer. “If you remembered, you’d know how awful this is,” I pulled up “Hello Internet” and paused it before it could start. 

“Oh my god, you’ve always been cute,” 

“Shh, now, I won’t stay for this, I hate it.” 

“So, you’re a Youtuber too?” 

“Yes, I’ll be back in a few,” I came back after I knew enough time had passed. “You were the “really good friends,” 

“Okay,” 

I loaded up PINOF, “Watch this playlist, come find me when you are done,” I pressed play and left the room, hearing my younger version of myself say “Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?” I went up to the gaming room, grabbed the copy of TABINOF, when to my room and laid down. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go. I was trying to take deep breaths to stave off the panic, in the process, I fell asleep. 

When I opened my eyes, it was dark. “Shit.” I walked out to Phil, he wasn't in the lounge, I knew where he was. I realized that I probably hadn’t locked the gaming room and that's where he would be. I found him, staring at a picture of us in Japan, me kissing his cheek. 

“Hey,” 

“You're cute when you sleep, you know. Do you honestly think people believe we're just friends? I mean I don't remember and I can tell how much you love me when you look at me in videos.” 

“What have you seen?” 

“All of PINOF, Day in the life, some Sims and the Halloween baking video. The way you look at me, people know, believe me. If you think otherwise, you're just fooling yourself. Then I Googled, I saw Dailybooth, Formspring, then I made it up here the door was open. We have created a universe that is solely ours, haven't we?" 

"We have," 

"I saw the "VDay" video, I had to after all the things I read. It wasn't a joke, was it?" 

"No, it wasn't. It was really a valentine. It was also a very dark time in our history, I said some very stupid things." 

"Yeah, I saw. Dan, are you afraid of your sexuality?" 

"I don't even know what my sexuality is, Phil." I looked him in the eyes, "What I do know is that we work." 

"You love me though, right?" 

"More than you know, you saved my life." 

"The stage I fell off of, that was our tour, right?" 

I nodded handing him the book, "First performance," 

He thumbed through the book, "wow, we are very successful." He stood up and walked towards me. "This must be really hard for you," 

I snorted out a laugh, "well, it's not been easy, but I'm kinda attached to you if you couldn't tell." 

"Yeah, I've gathered," he took my hands in his, "I know somewhere in here," he pointed at his head, "The Phil that knows you, misses you, very much." 

I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face, "I miss him so much," 

"Please don't cry," he cradled my face with one of his hands, I leaned into his touch. "Dan, I know this may be weird, but can I kiss you?" 

I leaned forward and my lips met his. It was a strange sensation, my lips knew his lips, but the hesitation wasn't something I was used too. I wrapped my arm around him and he started to kiss me harder. I pulled back and rested my head on his shoulder. 

"I promise you, Dan. I will remember. I am so lucky that you love me," 

"I've always been confused about why you stayed with me, after everything," 

"Have you met you?" 

"That's my point." 

"Dan, I can't remember feeling what I did before, but I know already why I've stayed with you." 

"It's really a brain fuck, being this close to you and missing you at the same time." 

He nodded, "I'm pretty overwhelmed right now, I think I'll go to bed. This has been a lot." 

"Okay, Phil, get some rest, I would hate for you to get worse," he nodded and started down the stairs. 

Now that he knew everything, I didn't have to lock the gaming room anymore. He knew we were in love; that we were more than friends, he knew we were Dan and Phil, the iconic YouTuber Duo, and he knew that we also actually were best friends as well. I realized how tired I was, this had been a lot for me too. I wondered what questions he would have for me after he processed all the videos, all the Google searches, and that kiss. As much as I missed Phil, this was the most progress we had made since the start of this whole ordeal. Smiling to myself, I finally had hope. 

I woke up to Phil groaning loudly. "Shit," I got up and walked to his room, his door was open. "Hey, are you okay?" 

"Dan, can you bring me coffee? I really don't want to get up." His arm was a crossed his face. 

"Do you have a headache?" 

"No, not really. Something feels off. My nose hurts." 

"I'm sorry, I'll be right back with some coffee." 

He moved his arm and looked at me suspiciously, "Really?" 

"Yeah, but don't do that again, okay? You woke me up and I thought you needed my help." 

"Well, I do! Plus, you know If you make it, I won't steal your Shreddies." 

I scoffed, "Yeah, yeah. You and your cereal stealing," I had made it halfway to the kitchen before it dawned on me. "Oh my god," I ran back to his room. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Phil?" I asked tentatively. 

"What is it?" He had sat up. 

"You remember me?" 

"What's gotten into you? Of course, I," suddenly Phil froze, "Dan? Why are we at home? What happened? What about TATINOF?" 

I jumped on the bed pulling him into a quick hug and forceful kiss. 

"You remember." 

"Oh my God, I fell off the stage, didn't I?" 

"Yes, you nutter, you've caused quite the drama," 

"What happened?" 

"You fell, broke your nose, cracked your head open. You couldn't remember me, us, YouTube, I mean at all Phil." 

"Really?" I nodded, "Are people mad?" 

"I've no idea, I haven't been online at all for a few weeks." 

"Weeks? It's been weeks? I fell off a stage and had to be taken by ambulance to hospital and you haven't said anything to them? Oh my God, Dan." 

"I'm sorry, okay. I was dealing with my own shit, yeah? It felt like a lifetime to me, I had to explain everything to you, Phil, I mean everything. Us, the “vday” video, YouTube, all of it. I had to relive all that shit, so forgive me for being distracted. " 

He leaned over and kissed me and said, "I'm sure that must have sucked." 

"Yeah, it was difficult." I rubbed the back of my neck, "He, well you, I guess, asked me why we weren't, like why we were "just best friends." 

"Oh," he took my hand, "it's okay Dan," 

"But it's not, not really. You pointed out that I had forced you back into the closet because I can't figure out my shit." 

"Did I say it like that?" 

"No, but you weren't pleased." 

"Dan, I don't care about that, you know that right?" 

"How could you not?" 

"I love you, Dan. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. In the earlier years, after all of that stuff, I knew you weren't ready. I accepted it then." 

"Phil, that," 

He continued, "I also accepted that you may never be ready, but having to act like you were only my "best friend" in front of people never bothered me. Okay, maybe a little, at first, but Dan, you are my best friend. You also are a person I get to hold and kiss and share my dreams with. No memory me didn't know everything when he made that comment, he didn't know how important privacy is to us, or what would happen even if you were ready to be out. He didn't have the whole story. I would never force you to come out for me, I don't have a right to. You come out when you're ready, it's no one else's business. Do it when you are ready." 

"I love you, Phil Lester " 

"I love you too, I'm sorry I forgot you, us, everything." 

“I'm just glad you remember now," 

"Can we still do the rest of the tour?" 

"Ah, maybe, I canceled it." 

"What? Why?" 

"Phil, you thought it was 2008." 

"Oh, wow. I don't anymore though, I want to continue." 

"Do you think we should?" 

"Of course, we wrote a book and were going to tour it, I had an accident but I remember now, there’s no reason not to." 

"I'll call everyone later," 

"Good. So, about that coffee?" 

“Get coffee yourself, you spoon, and stay out of my Shreddies.”

**Author's Note:**

> Bingo Card:  
Amnesia  
TABINOF  
Vday Video


End file.
